Starting At The Middle http://www.screwups.com/middle en blog@screwups.com Copyright 2007 2007-07-23T11:44:24-05:00 It Was An Honor Just To Work With Him http://www.screwups.com/middle/index.php/weblog/it_was_an_honor_just_to_work_with_him/ I had the first strange dream that I remember vividly in a while last night. It was kind of like a Crime Noir movie with a complicated heist. The strangest part was probably when Robert De Niro tried to kill me. The funny thing is, I wasn’t overly concerned, I was more like ‘wow, cool, that’s De Niro!’. Dreams 2007-07-23T11:44:24-05:00 Please Dont Touch Me http://www.screwups.com/middle/index.php/weblog/please_dont_tocuh_me/ I went to see Transformers with a friend this weekend. The movie was pretty awesome and was very nostalgic since I loved the cartoon and toys as a kid. Before the movie we stopped at the 7-11 that had been turned into a Kwik-E-Mart near Times Square. Thats right, a Kwik-E-Mart, like in the Simpsons. So while at the Kwik-E-Mart a man comes up to me. He was big, strange looking and wearing a t-shirt and shorts. He had a huge container of laundry detergent in his hand. Who goes to the novelty Kwik-E-Mart in Times Square to buy laundry detergent? Anyway, he noticed some marks I have on my arm (old scars I’ve had forever, don’t ask.. unlike this guy). Creepo : ‘How’d you get those marks on your arm?’ Me : ‘Oh… skin allergy.’ (my usual answer to brush people off) C : ‘I thought you might have burned yourself with a cigarette.’ M : ‘Nope.’ C : ‘They look like cigaretter burns.’ M : ‘...’ C : ‘I’m a doctor.’ M : ‘...’ I swear I felt like I was 10 and he was explaining why he was about to touch me in ways that would make me uncomfortable. It was very, very, creepy. Luckily at this point my friend came over (to hand me a Buzz cola, LOL!) so I was able to excuse myself and leave. I thought we cleaned up all the wierdos in Times Square? Wheres Giuliani when I need him? actual conversations, General 2007-07-11T19:31:52-05:00 Mental Floss For the Soul http://www.screwups.com/middle/index.php/weblog/mental_floss_for_the_soul/ In one form or another this blog will be coming back shortly. Yes, thats a threat. General 2007-07-06T14:05:22-05:00 The Nuclear Option http://www.screwups.com/middle/index.php/weblog/the_nuclear_option/ I was talking to a ‘friend’ of mine from South Africa.. I asked in passing if they had valentine’s day there. He took this big attitude about how americans are so dumb and think the universe revolves around them blah blah blah. Then he started talking about how we go to war over oil, etc. etc. Finally when his tirade ened I said, ‘Oh, so you want to compare track records on human rights and international politics? Aren’t you too busy keeping the black man down?’ Conversation ended abruptly. Check and mate. actual conversations, General, politics 2007-02-14T15:55:57-05:00 And That Weighs How Much? http://www.screwups.com/middle/index.php/weblog/and_that_weights_how_much/ This might be the stupidest news story ever. “weighing nearly as much as a can of soup” Hello?! Is that an official unit of measurement now? WTF does that mean?! General 2007-01-04T19:13:49-05:00 Turtles Are Slow, And So Are You http://www.screwups.com/middle/index.php/weblog/turtles_are_slow_and_so_are_you/ This weekend I went to visit my Aunt+Uncle in Queens. It’s a yearly or so trip I make so that my Mom will stop bugging me to do it for another year or so. My Uncle has a turtle. The turtle lives in a fishtank but likes to be put on the floor to wander around the house. I asked my uncle to take him out because I was curious to see what he would do. Sure enough the turtle was having a grand ole time wandering around on the floor exploring. I noticed that he was actually pretty fast, you know, for a turtle. So I said.. Me: You think turtles are slow but he is actually pretty fast. Uncle: Yeah, he’s fast. Me: Crushing the stereotypes. Uncle: What stereotype? Me: You know, that turtles are slow. Uncle: Huh? There’s no stereotype that turtles are slow. Me: *head explodes* actual conversations, family fun 2007-01-03T18:07:10-05:00 A Question Of Etiquette http://www.screwups.com/middle/index.php/weblog/a_question_of_etiquette/ I went to talk to a coworker. When I got to his cube I found him with his head down on his desk, taking a nap. I have to say, this is the first time this has ever happened and I wasn’t quite sure what the correct thing to do was. On another note.. if you have a dream that someone is attacking you with a flamethrower.. wtf do you suppose that means? Dreams, work 2006-10-24T05:23:38-05:00 This Just In! http://www.screwups.com/middle/index.php/weblog/this_just_in/ Buffalo Sucks! I should know, I lived there for five years. I remember days like the above.. News 2006-10-17T15:13:11-05:00 Saturday Night http://www.screwups.com/middle/index.php/weblog/saturday_night/ This Saturday a rare thing happened.. I actually went out. At some point in the evening this conversation took place.. Her : That guy is leaving because he got stood up.. He should stay, it’s easy to pick someone up if you are at a bar by yourself. Me : It’s easy for girls. Her : I think it’s easy for everyone. Me : No, it’s easy to pick up guys, not girls. If I went down to the other end of the bar by myself I bet you I wouldn’t pick up any girls. Her : I bet I could pick up a girl. Me : That would be really cool. Her : You don’t really want to see that. Me : You don’t know anything about guys, do you? actual conversations 2006-10-04T16:57:56-05:00 The Power of Suggestion http://www.screwups.com/middle/index.php/weblog/the_power_of_suggestion/ Since nothing interesting happens in my life any more, I present you with a story from the past that I was reminded of today. I went to college in Buffalo. Buffalo is a boring depressing place where the biggest passtime is usually getting drunk or high to forget you are in Buffalo. Well, during my senior year one of my roommates bought a magazine. Harper’s Journal of all things. The cover story was about opium and had this article by a guy that became addicted to home made opium tea. Well the magazine sat on the coffee table for weeks and everyone in the house read it, repeatedly, and was of course intrigued. One lazy snowy saturday I was sitting around watching tv with one of my roommates. The magazine had been taunting us for weeks.. finally we decided, hell, lets try it! So off to the supermarket we went. We purchased several ounces of poppy seeds, a spice grinder, and some coffee filters. When we got home we went about making or tea. We ground up the seeds in the spice grinder.. boiled them for like 20 minutes, and then strained the liquid throguh the coffee filters. General, Personal We both had a cup of tea and waited to see what would happen. After about 15 minutes of ‘do you feel anything?’s we finally decided that yes, we did feel anything, and it was goood. So we sat there for about an hour watching cartoons and generalyl feeling very high and spaced out. Then our third roommate, the one who had purchased the magazine, came home. He could tell pretty quickly that something odd was going on by the way we were acting. So we explained to him that we made the tea. His first question was ‘where did you get dried poppies?’. We explained that we didnt use poppies, we just got the seeds.

Well.. he urged us to read the article again, paying closer attention to the part about making the tea… specifcially the part where you dispose of the seeds first since they contain no opium.

And that is the story of the time I did (not do) opium, but got high anyway.

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